I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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