Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize