im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize