Swine flu. Run for my life!
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
BRING THE BAGELS
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
