New invention idea: vibrating tampons
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
