my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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