I think I died a long time ago.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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