Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
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