You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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