I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize