matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
