his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
