It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
