and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
