did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Randomize