I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Every concussion has its silver lining
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
