Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
