I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
