I wish I could punch you in the face.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Everyone says I win the strip club
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Randomize
