all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize