Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
