he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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