I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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