I just saw a hot homeless man
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
