Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
