So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
