did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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