How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
we're chasing vodka with high fives
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
