I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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