My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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