just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize
