Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
