What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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