All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I just gargled with NyQuil
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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