Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
