I'm pants shitting drunk right now
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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