Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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