eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
you will always have a special place in my vag
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
