I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
