I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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