I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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