Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
50% drunk capacity currently
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
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