So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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