I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
This house was built for laser tag.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
