We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
