Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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