I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
