You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
