DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
