a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
