He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
