She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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