She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Are we still banned from the library?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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