i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize