I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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