my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Randomize
