I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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