kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize