one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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