Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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