there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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