wake up i wanna do it froggy style
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize