If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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